Author:

Genre:  Horror

Date:  11-30-11

Score: 132/160

Title:

Reader: CAM

Logline/ Synopsis: With the help of a beautiful young medium, an architect trying to keep his latest project afloat discovers that his murdered mother is wreaking undead havoc and must be exorcised. 

POINT

SCORE

FEEDBACK

Voice

8

Dear Alex,

I enjoyed reading your script immensely. It is expertly paced and full of suspense and potent horrific imagery. The recurring motif of the black ooze, ectoplasm and veins (pp. 1, 4, 14, 30, 46, 58, 64, 82, etcetera) is a classic horror component and functions as a character in its own right. I also really responded to the tiny details and idiosyncrasies you managed to inject into Hunter and Celeste while never stopping the supernatural momentum (e.g. Celeste’s paint-less Mustang and Hunter’s charcoal sketches and penchant for vintage blues rock). Celeste is an especially captivating character, as she has unique, otherworldly abilities and keeps dead people inside her (p. 40 “I am dead people,”)…and yet she is not a dark character. In fact, with her jokes about her mutant cockroach Earl (p. 51), her references to Dickens (p. 44), her hell-bent determination on clogging her arteries with bacon and her opinion that wanting to die in your sleep is a “bitch move” (p. 50), she is actually the voice of levity in the script. I love that she uses words like “chutzpah” (p. 52) and has an upbeat voice. She has clearly been affected by the darkness she has seen and by the gift/curse that she has, but she doesn’t let that consume her.

Hunter, by contrast, plays something of the straight man to Celeste. The two of them have a fun and unusual dynamic. Though the love scenes between them feel genuine and caring—they have an undeniable chemistry—they also have something of a buddy rhythm, particularly in the digging scenes. This makes for a fun combination of romance and banter. Though Hunter’s scenes with his ailing father Charles and surrogate father Angelo feel textured and moving, the unusual relationship between Hunter and Celeste is clearly the emotional spine of the story. As such, I found myself wishing I could spend more time with those characters and that pairing. I think it might be advisable to spend more time building their attraction to each other before they sleep together on p. 53.

Perhaps adding another conversation or encounter at Hunter’s apartment would help. At 92 pages, you have the room to build their relationship a little more. Similarly, I found myself wanting to know more about Celeste. She is something of an enigma. She is introduced doing a dig, and it is clear that she has been aware of and using her abilities for quite some time. It’s also clear that she is a loner. We always see her working alone before she meets up with Hunter, and no family or personal ties are ever mentioned. I wanted to know, then, why she chose to pursue Hunter romantically…what is special about him? I think it would also help to show how Hunter (and Charles) has been affected by Rebecca’s disappearance. Hunter notes on p. 36 that Rebecca “didn’t want us anymore,” but I didn’t get the sense that Hunter was deeply devastated by her disappearance. If that were made clearer, it would be easier to get emotionally involved in him and his journey. Perhaps you could plant the seed that Hunter spent time and money trying to track her down at one point. This would show he cares, and it would make the revelation that she was murdered hit home more forcefully. I also think that Hunter ought to have a more direct and dramatic confrontation with his undead mother before falling into the abyss. Your ending is a sucker punch to the gut, but it’s certainly potent. Nice job! 

Story

8

Structure

8

Theme

7

Tone

9

Premise/ Concept

9

Plot Points

8

Pacing

9

Conflict

9

Characterization

8

Dialogue

8

Script Format

9

Marketability

9

Cast-ability

7

Commerciality

8

Salability

8

TOTAL POINTS

132/160